Death and rebirth, darkness and light.

These biblical opposites describe the journey of Southern gospel music artist Kirk Talley since the secret he agonized over for years made the front page of a local newspaper in late 2003.

Talley, a professing Christian since he was 12 years old, is homosexual.

Until recently, Talley has not granted interviews with the media. His friend, staunch supporter and concert promoter Dot Shultz of Maryville put the reason succinctly: The press crucified him, she said.

Now, however, he has decided to speak out about his new life, his reborn music ministry and the comfort he offers to others who face ostracism and condemnation for the sins they struggle so mightily to overcome.

Blackmail scheme

Talley's testimony is included on his Web site, a painfully frank account of his struggle with same sex attraction since he was 15 years old. He reached out for help several times but with hurtful results: His wife immediately filed for divorce, his sister disowned him, a close friend who was an evangelist became ill from the stress of not knowing how to help Talley.

``It was obvious again that I shouldn't tell anyone,'' Talley wrote.

He was a loner, fearful of losing other loved ones if they discovered his dark secret. He finally found some semblance of acceptance by visiting on-line chat rooms and learning that other people struggled just as he struggled. He felt secure in the anonymity of the chat rooms, but then someone found out who he was.

``In 2003 the blackmail started,'' Talley said. ``He started calling me and first said he was a private investigator. I quickly saw that he wasn't, that it was just a scheme to get money out of me. So, I went to the authorities and got them involved because I knew if I paid him, he'd be back in a month. I knew I wasn't going to do that the rest of my life.''

Talley contacted the FBI and a sting operation was set up. The exchange of money was videotaped and recorded, and the extortionist arrested.

``He thought because he didn't carry the money out of the restaurant that he could get out of the charges,'' Talley said. ``He didn't know extortion is the threat, not the exchange of money. When his lawyer realized he was going away, that he wouldn't have a chance of any kind of dealing with the Feds, he assumed he needed to do something, I guess, to justify him getting his fee. So, he called the Knoxville paper and told them who I was. On the complaint I was just listed as `victim.'''

The FBI tried to get The Sentinel to kill the story since it was an ongoing investigation and could damage the case.

``The Knoxville paper refused to work with them so they called me back and said, `I'm sorry, it will be in the paper tomorrow,''' Talley said. ``It was about seven o'clock at night when they called.

``I went to my best friend's house, we logged on at midnight and saw I was on the front page, color picture and the whole works, so I knew my life was over as I knew it. I knew I was over and done with.''

Talley's family was hurt and disappointed, shed many tears. The fans -- well, that was a different story.

``Some said they were praying for me, others called me bad names and were praying bad things on me,'' Talley said. ``I understand all that. I don't hold anything against them.''

Bondage broken

Talley said he was an emotional wreck after that. He would sit and cry for hours and begged to die. A core group of friends encouraged him, stood by him and prayed for him, as did a group of six pastors who became his strength when he had none.

``I must say, God worked through those people to be what I needed to bring me back to some place of emotional calm,'' Talley said.

Talley was in Kingsport, with three pastors praying over and with him, when he sensed God loosening the chains that had bound his soul for so long.

``This was the closest thing to a supernatural, Pentacostal experience I'd ever experienced,'' Talley said. ``And I'm Baptist. They were praying for me, across the hall the deacons' wives were praying and the deacons were in another room praying. God just moved, and I saw things happening in my mind. I don't know if it was a vision or a revelation of the Holy Spirit, I just don't know. But some pretty transforming things happened in my mind.

``At one point during that experience I saw chains around my feet. I think they were chains of oppression and depression. I had experienced a real desire to die. I won't stand and tell an audience that I'm healed from every struggle I've ever had, not at all,'' he said. ``But those chains of oppression and depression and the desire to die were gone that day. At that point I had been an emotional zombie for two months and couldn't hardly function.

``None of those preachers in that room ever said they could heal me, they could fix me or they could change me,'' he said. ``They were there to help me.''

After that, the team of pastors stood with Talley every time other media reports were published about the extortion. Talley stayed on an emotional roller coaster.

``Every time they ran the story, the extortionist got to tell a different side of the story, trying to make himself look good,'' Talley said. ``He was wanting probation from the judge so therefore he was trying to make himself look good and make me look like the bad guy. Naturally, for me, it was an emotionally charged thing to see that in the paper and see everybody reading that when it wasn't true. But those six pastors stood by me and they have been a blessing in my life.''

Out of death, life

Talley's ministry in music almost ended. Concert dates began to be canceled almost immediately after the first story ran.

``I understand that, also,'' he said. ``A lot of people don't want to hear me sing and a lot of people don't think I should be singing, but there are some churches that have invited me to come and share my story in hopes that it will encourage some people in their congregation. Churches are filled with people who deal with all kinds of things, and this particular issue is not discussed a lot. I should say, it is discussed a lot but it's in a condemning kind of way. They just preach against it and don't really offer anybody any help who deals with it.

``If people don't want to hear me sing, that's fine,'' he said. ``If churches I sang at before don't want to have me come back and sing, I understand that. But, on the other hand, I have been kind of blackballed by certain aspects of the gospel music industry and I understand that, too, but what I don't understand is that -- nobody's perfect and it's almost like there's certain individuals in the business who are fighting me to keep me from sharing my ministry, and that's strange to me, coming out of the church. They don't have to book me, fine, but they shouldn't try to prohibit me from singing at other places.''

Talley's ministry has evolved into a powerful tool of encouragement for others who struggle as he struggled.

``It's an amazing thing, some things that have happened since I've been singing in some churches, sharing my testimony and being honest with them,'' he said. ``You wouldn't believe some of the things I've heard. People deal with all kinds of issues. I go in, tell my story, sing my songs.

``I try to make two points with my story. Every night I ask people to lay their gavels down and stop being judge and jury. I ask people to extend the grace of God to people who are dealing with all kinds of things and I challenge people, if they are dealing with strong issues in their life, to get some help before they end up like me, on the pavement begging for someone to kill me.''

From test to testimony

``Every rotten thing we go through is a test,'' Talley said. ``I can take that test and make a test-imony out of it, and that's what I want to do.''

Talley's latest CD has been released and will be available on both CD and DVD at JOY Promotions Aug. 20 concert at Maryville College with The Trio, including Talley, Anthony Burger and Shane Dunlap, and His Own as featured artists.

``Live at The River: My Story, My Song,'' was recorded live at The River of Life Church in Smyrna. The CD includes new songs written by Talley.

``I think it's the best thing I ever recorded,'' Talley said. ``It's on no label, so it's an entirely independent project. We recorded a live album and DVD, the DVD has the entire testimony, the entire night on it. We couldn't put that whole thing on the CD so basically it's the songs and a little bit of talking.''

Talley said he tries not to go back and ``what if.'' Neither does he get into vain debates about homosexuality. Instead, he looks forward and goes about the ministry he has been given to do.

``I know that all this happened for a reason, that God works in mysterious ways, and that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord, and called according to his purpose,'' Talley said. ``For me to go back and say I should have done this or I should have done that different -- I can't second guess the path God has for our lives.

``Who am I to say who's a sinner? It's not up to me. I just tell people about the love of Christ at my concerts, tell them my story, and let them decide.

``I know where I am with the Lord and I'll just keep writing and singing wherever I can. If somebody wants me to come and sing, I'll go sing and not worry about who likes it and who don't.''

What of those who question his salvation?

``I would say I understand their questions,'' he said. ``I can't make anybody like me that doesn't like me. I've had people say to me, `If you can tell us you're healed, you can come and sing.' I wish I could say everything in my life is perfect, but I still deal and struggle with lots of things and if truth be known, so do 99 percent of people I sing to. They can believe me if they want to, it's up to them. But as a Christian, they have to love me, but it's not their place to judge me.''

If you go

The Trio -- Kirk Talley, Anthony Burger and Shane Dunlap -- will appear in concert along with local Southern gospel quartet His Own at 7 p.m. Aug. 20 at Wilson Chapel on the Maryville College Campus. For ticket information call Dot Shultz, JOY Promotions, at 982-1935.

On the Net

www.kirk-talley.com